Who Could Ask for Anything More?

Brynlee: Loves me almost as much as the ceiling fan. She laughs at it as if she were reminiscing with an old friend. She thinks bed time is funny, and likes to sleep with a blanket touching her cheek. She purrs while she nurses. She likes me to kiss her bare big tummy. She is bummed when I put her in her carseat. Her big eyes and tiny dimple in her left cheek make my heart melt.

Sadie: Loves her daddy more than anything. If I just mention him, she says, "I love my daddy" with out hearing what I just said about him. She passes out kisses like they were candy to any one and every one. She is a born leader who is shy in groups. She is creative and very capeable. Sadie wants to read and write. She always wants to help, I have to be patient enough to let her.

Joe Joe: Almost nothing is serious to him. Except candy. He means business when it comes to treats. He loves to sing and dance, and is learning all the words to the Aladdin sound track. When he spins, his eyes get stuck looking the opposite direction he is going. He sticks his tongue out all the time, no matter what he is doing. My favorite thing is how he runs to be held when he wakes up. He smiles when he finds me in the house, and with out thought to what I might be doing or holding, expects me to drop it all for him. And I will.

*******

I am a mom. I have three kids. Three kids. Three wonderful, unique, demanding, tender children. They are mine. And Joe's. But mostly--they are mine.

I have three kids. I am pretty sure I know how I got here, but sometimes I am astonished in all that has happened, and all that has been accomplished in such a small amount of time. All that has changed. They started coming just four years ago. With Sadie, I felt like a fish out of water, it took awhile to acclimate to being the mother: the caregiver, to an infant who looked to me to know how to fix every hurt. I am still in uncharted waters when it comes to her- as a mother of a 4-year-old, with all her "whys", and emotions, as she pieces her world together. I have never been down that road. With her, there will only be firsts.

In a lot of ways, Joe Joe's babyhood is a bit of a blur to me. I was much more confident in my infant skills, but not long after he was born, Ian died. I was so bereaved. Caught between new life and death was a challenge. I know for sure he was the happiest baby I have ever seen, and at that time, with all the sadness, he was just the medicine I needed. He still grins from ear to ear with almost no effort.

And now, my Brynlee. I am able to tend to her much more easily. Long nights are still present. She is just as needy as the others, and I am often awake when no one else is. Well, except her. I will sweep a light pinkish eye-shadow under my eyes, somehow believing I will look less tired that way, when the sun finally does decide to wake up, too. Having said that out loud, I have decided that it is only because of my exhausted state I thought that would be a good idea. I don't dread being awake at night with her. I'd like to think perspective has helped.

I know how quick this time passes, and how fast she will grow. Has grown. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, and I want to be as present as I can for today--this moment. I want to see and feel and experience my children. I want to be a mom that loves being a mom for all that it is. Late nights, early mornings. Fevers. Chocolate cake crusted faces, finger prints on the walls. Sour faces and smiles that make me forget--and remember why I love them so.

I'd like to think my attitude towards motherhood has changed because I have. With my first baby, it was hard to stop being the center of my own world, and let my life revolve around my daughter. Not that I was more selfish than the next person, but it was an adjustment to learn to put myself and the things I wanted to do, or the things I thought were important, on the back burner for her. I had to learn to put down what I was doing, and pick her up. Then, add the untimely and unexpected death of a close family member while you hold your second child, and like a haze that is lifted, perspective changes, and priorities shift. I am allowed the opportunity to see who is most important, not what. As we are blessed with more children, I have accepted and even embraced putting my children first. I recognize that this stage in my life, time is not mine, it is ours. All of ours. I am still learning to find balance: disciple, wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter--ERIN. I haven't completely learned my lesson, I am far from perfecting it. Far from it. I can hardly see perfection from where I stand...

There is always a mess to clean, tears to dry, diapers to change, food to prepare, books to read and errands to run. And run, and run and run. I am often run down, and tired. Oh so tired.

But I want to make sure I am running for the right reason--into the tiny arms of my children, so they can put catchup on my only clean shirt. And wipe their noses on my shoulder. To know that I love them, and, know I don't always mind smelling like syrup, and not being able to pull a brush through my hair.

I have three kids. And I want more.